my friend: whats a tumblr? Is that something gymnists do?
Depression stood me up last night
I started taking Prozac last week and felt the difference in only a few days. My head was clear, I wasnt anxious all the time, I hadnt cried for no reason, and I even watched The Fault In Our Stars without it sending me into a spiral of depression. (trust me, I bawled for the last half hour of that dang movie but afterwards I dried my eyes and was really surprised to find that I was over it already) I finally felt happy. Normal. Invincible without the darkness holding me back. Until last night.
I was watching some dumb hallmark movie alone at 1am when I really shouldve been asleep but for the same reason anyone gets sucked into those cheeseball reels, I wanted to see how it ended. It was during a sex scene that I started thinking my usual thoughts: “Ugh gross.. Hes such a pig. This is disgusting. Men are disgusting.” Those kind of thoughts are usually followed by a train along the lines of: “All men are pigs. They only want one thing. Thr world is an awful place. Im gonna have to deal with these men for the rest of my life. Always living in fear. And Im always gonna be depressed. I hate this. Its just a never-ending cycle. I want out..” And then the tears would follow. But that train didnt arrive last night and i was left standing on an empty platform of expectance. “Thats it? Im just gonna have one thought about this movie and be done? Go back to watching rest of the movie like a normal person?” I shouldve been happy about that. Seems like a victory on my way to recovery. But I instead felt empty. Lost. Alone. Scared. I couldnt cry even if I wanted to and right then, I wanted to. I wanted to slip into misery the way I snuggle into the sheets of my bed after a long day at work. Its comforting, familiar. But the usual cloud that used to buzz inside my head like a swarming hive of despair was gone. I honestly didnt know what to do with myself. Frustration and anger gripped me instead. But most of all, fear. At this point I was crying but for a different reason than usual. I was pannicking. I realized I had been using misery like a crutch, something I could always count on. Something that was inevitable, predictable. And now that my crutch was gone and I was left standing on my own, I didnt feel free to walk normally like everyone else, I just felt helpless and unsure. The dark companion in my head was completely gone.
Last night was a first and after I tried explaining it to my mom she asked if I wanted to quit Prozac and try something else. But it’s a good thing, what that medicine does for me. If I can adjust to this then I wont have to worry about depression ruining moments of my life. It’s time to say no to the pain that demands to be felt.
1. Lay on the floor of your shower until you can breathe again. Water will always love to love your skin.
2. Start writing with the intention of filling up one page. Write until your pen stops working.
3. Reread a book that once made you cry. Learn something new on every page. Notice how different chapters make you sad. Notice how the book didn’t change and grow; you did.
4. Sleep with your windows open. You can hear both the rain and boys drunkenly singing Frank Sinatra on their deck. Both are equally good.
5. Don’t forget that honey will always taste sweet, but the best way to eat it is off your fingers, laughing.
6. Remember that, sometimes, getting out of bed is enough.
— For unhappy girls who like sitting in the sun (h.f.j.
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Don’t think too much - you’ll create a problem that wasn’t there in the first place.
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Current mood: want to drive to Canada and hibernate with the mooses
Depression sucks. I dont even mean the whole being sad part, i just want my motivation back. I wouldnt mind crying my eyes out as long as i still had the energy to clean my room